The Celebration of My Self

I wrote this 3 years ago. It showed up in my Facebook memories today and made me smile. It is perhaps more true today than it was then. What can you celebrate about your Self?

I am braver than I ever thought I was. But I only know this because I have felt so scared so many times. Felt the fear pounding in my chest. Felt the voices in my head frantically yelling warnings and listening to them. But today I can step back and watch and know that I am braver than I ever thought I was. There is a fire breathing dragon inside just waiting for me to step aside far enough so he can burn those fears to the ground. It is pretty cool to watch. Amazing what my self and that dragon can do if I let them.

I am stronger than I ever thought I was. But I only know this because I have felt so small and insignificant and weak. Completely incapable of doing anything. Giving up on me. Hiding in avoidance. Falling and feeling failure over and over until am convinced I cannot get back up. But I have found out I can. Not only can I get back up but I can stand and feel my power. I am stronger than I ever knew.

I know what trust feels like and I can trust my self in a way I never thought possible. But I only know that because I have lived with the doubts until I thought they were true. Let the voices convince me that I don't know what I know. Let habit dictate what I do and how I respond. Forgetting that my inner self is impeccable in her wisdom and that I can trust her completely. I know that today. I have an inner self I can trust without hesitation.

I know I am a work in progress and me and my self are absolutely okay with this. In fact we welcome it. It takes a lot of pressure off. Literally. There are so many others who are further along in this journey who show me that it just keeps getting better. That the light inside just keeps getting brighter. That there is so much to enjoy along the way if I just look. So different from the rush I have felt to reach a destination so I can say I have arrived and I am done. I am a work in progress and will quite possibly never be done. And that is a happy thought.

My body wants to move. It actually likes to move. My self knows this and it wants me to feel and be aware of every bit of it. I only know this because I have been so stuck in pain. So determined to numb and to freeze and bury and not feel. But my self knows that I have an amazing body. So much better than the ones in the magazines. Because this self's body is a gift that moves and talks to me and knows how to heal and take care of its self. Amazing! I just haven't been listening. I am now.

I accepted my self today. Claimed me for me. Dug out gunk and black grime that had been clinging inside. Dug as far as I could. It is no longer welcome. I belong to me. This body is mine. And I accept all of it. Even the parts that hurt. Even the parts that have been hurt. Even the parts that still have gunk.

I have a voice. Maybe a few actually. I thought I didn't. Didn't know how. Didn't know what. My self has known better.

My self has emotions that don't need to be stuffed down or judged. My self is really good at not judging. It is what I have thought is me that has been getting in the way. I like my self's version of expression better than anything I have been trying to do.

I love me. It no longer causes instant resistance to say those words to my self. In fact it causes no resistance at all. Just a smile and a breath of love for me. I have really been waiting for me. I just didn't understand. Today I am home. And that is a celebration.

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